Despicable Dylan
by Tanith Panic
Summary: What happens if you cross Despicable Me with Casualty? This happens. For a good friend who requested this story.
1. Chapter 1

Despicable Dylan - Part One.

Dylan Gru was a bitter and unkind man. He'd been kidnapped as a baby by a man in a frock called Brian who had treated him horribly ever since. Dylan had decided to become the meanest Supervillain ever. He did some terrible things. He got his mate Doctor Nefarious Fairhead to invent a freeze ray, and Dylan would stroll into the theatre just before Les Miserables began, freeze the audience, then grab the two people in the middle of the front row, fling them out and get the best seats in the house for free. Dylan liked Les Miserables because lots of people died. On the day the new DVD of 'Game of Thrones' came out he went into as many stores as he could, froze the assistants and walked out with all the DVDs. Everybody else had to wait two whole months for the next stock of DVDs but they needn't have bothered. Dylan had a big mural made in the city centre with all the spoilers on it in bright red. But every time he called Brian to tell him about his exploits Brian just sneered "Blah. Dilly you're useless."

Dylan got a dog. A grey Lurcher called Dervla with a very bad temper. If people were fool enough to come to his door he set Dervla on them. Her bark was so scary that they generally ran away. Nobody stayed long enough to learn how bad her bite was.

One day Dylan watched a news broadcast and was even more bitter because his rival, Vector Hanssen, had just stolen one of the pyramids from Egypt. It looked rubbish in his front garden but Vector was proud of it and rang Dylan to brag about it.

"Well I'm going to have the moon" Dylan decided. He went into the basement to discuss this with his slaves, little jabbering yellow creatures called Minions. But when he asked them what they thought and they answered him, he just bopped them all on the head and chanted:

"You're minions! You're minions! You're not allowed opinions!"

Dylan went to the Bank of Evil but Mr Perkins the Bank President, sneered:

" Dylan, you're getting old and you should be more like Vector Hanssen. (Vector was actually Mr Perkins' son, so that was just favouritism and extreme sneakiness.) He wouldn't loan Dylan the money to get the Shrink Ray that he needed to get the moon, either. Dylan tried, oh, he tried. He tried to get the Shrink Ray from the Top Secret Research Facility in East Asia, but guess who was waiting for him? Venomous Vector, who had fiendishly disguised himself as Brian.

"Give that shrink ray back, Dilly or it'll be the slipper and a smacked bum again" he threatened.

"But I'm thirty six!" protested Dylan.

"And I'm your Mama. Hand it over."

Poor Dylan did just that and almost screamed with fury when Vector shed his disguise and did a little victory dance. Just then there was a knock at the door. Vector went to answer it and Dylan went to spy on him.

Four little kids stood at the door. There were two girls and two boys. One little girl was blonde haired and giggly, the other was dark haired and very bossy. The first little boy was a cheeky young lad with a short haircut and a Northern accent, and the second was a frightened-looking little boy with lots of curly hair. The dark haired girl said they were from the Orphans Home and they were selling cookies. Vector stuffed five cookies into his smug mouth, then threw them all out, which made the little curly-haired boy cry.

"We'll get put in the box of shame for this" he sobbed.

Dylan decided that even four little orphan kids could be useful. He put on his best suit, which was still horrid, and went to see Miss Hanna at the orphans' home.

"I want to adopt those four orphans that you sent out scrounging, I mean, trying to sell cookies, today."

Miss Hanna was pretty but her face went like a mask of evil as she showed him round to the Orphans Area, and pointed to the little curly-haired boy who was looking sorrowful as he sat in the Box of Shame.

"If you want to take Connie, Rita and Iain you have to take this one-" she pointed at the little curly-haired boy – "As well. I warn you, he's useless."

Dylan Gru would never know why he said it, but say it he did.

He said loud and clear:

"You misunderstand me, Madam. It's the little curly one I've come for but if I can have him I'll take the other three too."

The little curly-haired boy's face lit up and Dylan couldn't help thinking what a nice looking little thing he was.

"Bring me the others, Madam" he ordered.

As he walked out of the home with the four children skipping at his side, Dylan Gru wondered what the heck he had done.

Well! As soon as Dylan got those kids home there was trouble. Dervla ran at them, snarling and growling.

"Doggy!" the little curly boy beamed, and hugged Dervla. Dylan expected Dervla to bite him in half but she just wagged her tail and stopped growling, though she still followed them around.

"This is where you'll sleep" Dylan told them.

"Them's bombs with blankets in" Iain protested.

"Them's – I mean, they're very old. They'll not go off if you keep still" Dylan tried to assure them, but only the little curly boy nodded.

"What's your name anyway?" Dylan asked.

"Lofty."

"That's not a name. Tell me your real name at once or you're going back to the home" Dylan threatened.

He was sorry then because two little tears ran down Lofty's face.

"It's Ben. Short for Benjymin."

"Good boy. Now…"

But Dylan had to break off and race towards Rita, who, giggling away, was opening the door of the Iron Maiden that Dylan kept in the house to scare burglars.

Oh dear! She opened the door, jumped in and then shut the door with a giggle.

There was a scream and everybody gasped as red liquid oozed from the Iron Maiden.

"You've squished Rita, and I was going to ask her to marry me when we were bigger" sobbed Iain.

"Er… could you not ask Connie instead?" Dylan asked.

He forced himself to open the Iron Maiden.

Rita sat on the floor, looking sulkily at the big hole that the spike had made in her fruit drink.

"Out!" ordered Dylan, adding:

"Smacked bum next time, Rita."

"I'm a girl!" Rita smirked.

"Equality!" Dylan snapped.

He went away to cook them dinner. This was actually not too bad but it was spoiled a little by Dervla walking round snarling at everybody until they shared with her.

Then she gave a little whimper of pain because she'd been greedy and eaten too much.

"Poor, poor doggy" Lofty said, hugging her. She growled at him, wriggled loose and went to sulk in the corner.

"Bed now" Dylan ordered.

Connie handed him a book.

"We have to have our bedtime story. It's about kittings."

Dylan sighed and began to read:

"Three little kittens…"

Dervla growled.

"Three little puppies" Dylan sighed. He had to change all the kitten stuff to puppy stuff, and was very tired by the end of the story.

The next day was better for Dylan; he got in touch with Dr Nefario Fairhead, who very cleverly made some robots disguised as cookies.

"Them's pretty" said Iain.

"Them's my ticket to greatness" replied Dylan.

He was on the phone to Doctor Nefario Fairhead for a long time, but knew he could always find an evil way to avoid paying his bill later.

The next day he told the kids he'd got some cookies for them to sell.

"Isn't them robots what's covered in cookies?" asked Iain who didn't miss a trick.

"Yes, Iain, and we are going to get a deadly weapon from a very bad man with this disguise. He wants to kill everybody-"

Lofty gasped.

"-But if we can get into his lair, we can steal it and save everybody."

"Okay" Lofty said, but he didn't sound so confident.

"It'll be right" Iain told Lofty kindly.

Connie wanted somebody bad to get their Come Uppance, so she agreed to go along. And Rita was far too busy putting pink ribbons into her hair to mind where they went.

"I'm scared" Lofty said when they got near the lair.

"I'll look out for you, Lofts" Iain smiled. Inside he didn't feel like smiling, he felt like peeing himself in fear. But Iain wanted to be a soldier when he was big so he knew he had to be brave.

"You go in first, Pinky Head" Dylan instructed Rita.

"She's a baby. She's five and I'm six" Connie wiggled six fingers in Dylan's face, "So I have to look after her."

"Oh just get in" growled Dylan, and rang the doorbell.

Vector answered it. Iain could feel the pee coming on.


	2. Chapter 2

Despicable Dylan - Part Two

"Why's them robots shimmyin'?" Iain asked Connie, hoping she'd know.

"Sssh! Somebody's coming!"

Vector came strutting along.

"Ooh! Nice!" he said on seeing the robots, who were shimmying because Dr Nefario Fairhead had thought Dylan had asked for Boogie Robots and had made them for him.

"They're for sale" Connie folded her arms on her chest, ready to argue.

"They're for ME!" Vector corrected her spitefully and threw the kids out of the house by the scruff of the neck, except for Lofty, who he threw by his curls.

Iain, however, was a brave little boy so he sneaked back in and held on to one of the robot's inside legs. He was jolted very uncomfortably as it shimmied, but was able to get into Vector's lair to spy.

"Go back in!" Dylan urged the others.

Lofty rubbed his head and asked:

"Do we have to?"

"Yes Benjamin, or you won't be my adopted child any more and you'll never get to hug Dervla again."

So they tried again and while Vector was arguing with the kids, Dylan had sneaked into the laboratory with a group of minions that had been hidden in his pockets and had managed to steal the shrink ray.

Dylan was realizing that four tiny children were becoming too much of a responsibility so, when they passed a theme park on the way back, he devised a cunning plan to get rid of them.

"Can we go in there?" Rita begged.

"We can go just to look" Dylan decided.

"I like looking."

"In that case, you'll like this, Benjamin. In we go."

"Can we have hot dogs and onions and candy floss and popcorn and then go on all them rides that make you throw up?" Iain wanted to know.

"Why would you want to do that?"

"Because Caleb Knight at that new school does that and all the girls in the class want to be his Prompt Queen. I want to go to a Prompt when I'm bigger."

"If you don't behave, the only thing you'll be going to is an incinerator for bad kids!"

"There isn't no such thing" Connie sneered.

But just at that moment, Lofty's eyes had begun to shine in ecstasy. There was a game where you could hit an Alien Spaceship and knock it down. Lofty adored aliens and thought blowing up the ship would release all the trapped aliens.

"Please, PLEASE, can we?"

Oh I'll be rid of 'em all soon, what the heck, thought Dylan.

"One go each."

Sadly, the game was rigged and nobody won. Lofty tried to smile because he didn't want to make Dylan feel bad.

Iain was outraged:

"That stall's had stuff done to it. I read about tricks like that in me Beano comic."

Lying Louis, the owner of the stall, got Iain by the throat. Rita wailed.

"Unhand that child" bawled Dylan. He froze Lying Louis and his entire stall. Dylan could be a little rash at times.

"Right, which do you want, Reenie?"

"Um… pink kitty please."

"Corrine?"

"It's Connie. And I want the doctor's outfit and steffyscope."

"Dream on" Dylan sniggered, but let her take it all the same.

"Egon?"

Iain realized that was him.

"That War Zone game please!"

Iain knew if he was to be a soldier he had to say 'please' and 'thank you' or the army wouldn't have him.

"Ben?"

"That lovely Unicorn please."

Dylan led the kids towards the roller coaster. He knew what he was about to do was very wrong but he was a desperate man."

"On you all get. I'll watch you from down here."

"Sir? SIR?" a horrified theme park attendant ran up.

"Sir, you need to sit with your little ones. It's a rule."

Dylan huffed, puffed and gruffed, but got on the rollercoaster and put his arm round Lofty. Iain put his arm round a giggling Rita. Connie wouldn't let anybody put their arm round her but she went "Wooooooooohoooo!" all through the ride.

Dylan suddenly realized he liked these kids and would keep them for a while longer.

"That was lovely" sighed Rita on the way home.

"Good."

"Let's sing 'ten green bottles'" Iain grinned.

Lofty chuckled and began to sing "Ten Green Aliens." The others joined in. Connie had a very shouty singing voice.

Dylan had a very sore head when they all got home. And he still had to ring the Bank of Evil.


	3. Chapter 3

Despicable Dylan - Part Three

A/N I've made a few changes from the film which are probably rubbish but I enjoyed myself!

That night back at home there was total chaos.

"Now any of you who makes a noise while I'm communicating with Mr Perkins on the video is going to get-"

"Smacked bum." Connie, the little know-all, had to interrupt.

"Well you're wrong there, clever pants, anybody who makes a noise is going to get thrown out by the scruff of the neck and never be allowed in my house ever again. And Dervla will hate you all and bite you if she sees you on the street."

Lofty intended to sit there as quiet as a mouse but suddenly realized he was desperate to pee.

"Mr Perkins, about that loan" Dylan began.

"What loan?" Mr Perkins played dumb and stalled for time.

"To get the shrink ray so I can steal the moon."

"Burble wurble urgle glug… oh sorry, Mr Gru, there's interference on the line. Try again in fifteen minutes."

"DON'T lie to me, you cretin. I am asking you for a loan and… Benjamin, why are you wriggling?"

"I need to pee. And them stairs is steep and dark." Poor Lofty blushed as Connie sniggered.

"Egon, take Ben upstairs for a pee…. What's that, Mr Perkins? I'm still with you…"

"I wish to give the loan to a younger villain who hasn't got kids jabbering and peeing all over the place. Loan DECLINED."

And Mr Perkins slammed down the phone, only to pick it up and call Vector.

"We need to act fast, Vector."

"I'm Victor! Why can you never get my name right?"

"To prove I'm an executive who hasn't time for paltry details like his son's real name. Now listen. Dylan Gru has that shrink ray. He'll be stealing the moon and letting those pathetic adopted brats of his use it for a football game unless we act fast."

"I'm on it like an Easter Bonnet" said Vector/Victor.

"Where the hell did you get such a stupid expression from? But we shall act fast. We shall plot and plan and we shall have the moon and all Gru will have are four stupid brats."

"Why are you crying, Mr Gru?" asked Rita.

"Because, Reenie, I have just been rejected for a loan from the bank of Evil. I can't get the money I need to buy a shrink ray. And my mother will sneer at me again. Just like she did when I made a miniature model of the Taj Mahal, complete in every detail, complete with bejewelled miniature elephants, when I was five. She _stamped_ on it, Reenie."

To his amazement, instead of saying how dreadful that was, the kids just walked out.

But ten minutes later they were back with the Minions in tow.

"Mr Gru, this is my money box. It's full of money that I was saving to go to Mars with, but you can have it. I can still watch Aliens on TV."

"Good boy, Ben. Reenie, what's that?"

"My money box. It's full of almost enough to get the latest Barbie. Political Barbie. She makes an election speech and says four different bad words about Donald Trump. But you can have it. Iain will teach me some good new swear words."

Iain just marched up to Mr Gru and handed over the money box.

"For you. Me model ambo can wait."

Connie's turn:

"I don't want to go to Disney any more. It's dead boring, even that Haunted Mansion…"

And Connie of the nerves of steel betrayed herself as a little tear ran down her face.

Dylan took the money box from her and patted her head, then realised she didn't like that.

"All the Minions have stuff as well" Connie said sniffily and went to fix her face.

The Minions handed over surprisingly full money boxes. Just as Mr Gru had counted out the last coins and was smiling widely, there was one more surprise. Dervla trotted up with a mucky old hat which she flung into Mr Gru's lap. The hat was full of coins. Mr Gru thought it was better not to ask how Dervla had managed that, just hugged her.

Alas, he was foolish enough to play the proud father and went to phone Doctor Nefario Fairhead.

Who, in turn, phoned Miss Hanna:

"Those children are holding Mr Gru back, Miss Hanna. The little clumsy one is unsuitable for family life. I'd build a kennel for him and put him outside. Will you collect them all tomorrow? Mr Gru's far too nice to chuck them out."

"Oh I will, and the little clumsy one shall pay" Miss Hanna declared.

Meanwhile, Mr Gru was beaming at a flier that the kids had left out for him:

"MERRY LITTLE SODS ORPHANAGE PRESENTS:

April 7th at 7pm:

Songs and scenes from Les Miserables, Mamma Mia and Sweeney Todd. An evening of laugher, tears and scary meat pies."

He vaguely remembered the kids mentioning this. But, oh dear. The concert was at the very time that the moon would be in optimum position for stealing. He sighed and hoped they'd forgive him when he let each of them hold the moon for a while. He'd already bought four pairs of small protective gloves on E Bay.

But the next day four armed guards broke into the house, grabbed the kids by the collars and Lofty by the curls, shouted "You're going back to the orphanage!" and carried them off, leaving Mr Gru and Dervla in great distress.

Connie, Rita and Iain sat in their boxes of shame but Lofty didn't even get that much. He was chained up in the yard with a placard round his neck: 'This child is incompetent.'

Having assembled his rocket ship, Gru set off for the moon hoping to catch the end of the Merry Little Sods' recital after the operation. The operation was successful and Dylan came back, but there was an empty feeling where his heart should have been.

Then he saw the ransom note:

"Gru. If you don't hand over the moon by tomorrow at 7pm all four of your adopted brats will be eaten alive by sharks. I snatched them from the recital and they're all heartbroken because you didn't go to see them. I have them imprisoned above the sharks' tank but let's face it, the little clumsy one will probably fall in anyway. Which is more important, the moon or the brats?"

"Moon!" thought Dylan then realised his heart was saying "Brats!".

"He won't come" Rita sobbed, "And we'll all be eaten up."

"He won't come, but if we're not babies we can escape on our own" sneered Connie.

"I'll whack you girls on the head so you won't feel the sharks eating you" Iain told them, but was surprised when they didn't look any happier.

"I thought he loved us" Lofty whispered brokenly. Poor Lofty still had part of his metal chain round his neck and knew he'd sink to the bottom of the shark tank straight away.

Then the doorbell went.

"It'll be f***ing Avon Calling" said Rita, practicing one of the Bad Words that her Political Barbie would have said.

"Stay where you are, shark bait" Victor/Vector Hanssen said to them all.

He stormed to the door, and there stood Mr Gru with the Moon in a Gregg's bag.

"Here's the moon; now bring out the kids" he said calmly.

"No; now I have the moon I'm going to throw those kids to the sharks one by one!"

Dylan wasn't having that.

"Just going for a cappuccino and a couple of Yum Yums."

He ran out and called Dr Nefario Fairhead.

"I know you were behind that plan to send the kids back to the Orphanage. It'll be all over the media by tomorrow and you have an appearance on Loose Women next week. The world will know you're a bully and a thug."

"Noo, Dylan, I beg you!"

"Then help me save my four from Hanssen."

He realised he liked the sound of My Four, and kept saying it over and over in his head.

Soon, Nefario and Dylan had the rocket ship they needed and set off back to Vector/Victor Hanssen's lair. The ship, amazingly, crashed through the walls of the lair. Alas, they saw Hanssen bundling the kids into his escape pod.

"After him" yelled Dylan, and Nefario Fairhead, desperate to be the good guy once more, revved up the speed. Dylan, hanging on to the side of the ship, nearly fell off but was grabbed by Nefario.

"Get in here, it's one of Hanssen's rockets."

"The bigger the object, the faster the effects of your shrink ray will wear off. So the moon's going to burst that Gregg's bag any minute…"

The moon did more than that. It grew and backed Vector/Victor into a corner, where he screamed for mercy. But the moon wasn't feeling merciful and expanded even more, until Vector was backed into a corner with the Greggs bag over his face.

Connie realised that their kidnapper was running out of time and told the others to run for it.

Dylan, outside his and Nefario's rocket, yelled:

"Kids, you have to be brave. Jump!"

Rita, shaking like a leaf, jumped and was caught by Dylan. Connie and Iain were next. Then disaster struck.

Vector, with his last strength, grabbed Lofty.

"I'm taking him with me!" he gloated.

Just then the moon squished him altogether.

"Crawl free, Ben, and grab this!"

Dylan had a grappling hook that Nefario had handed him. Lofty shook with fear.

"We love you, Lofty" sobbed Rita.

"Come on, mate. None of us is going home in an ambo today."

Lofty felt a bit braver after hearing Iain but was still afraid. Then he heard Connie:

"Ben, I am very proud of you. Jump."

Lofty saw Dylan's sad pale face and knew he had to try. He jumped. The grappling hook had him by the seat of his pants.

The Minions had just been waiting for their moment. They kept hold of Lofty until he was close… closer…

And suddenly Lofty was being hugged in Dylan's arms.

The moon carried the squished remains of Vector Hanssen back into space. The sharks, with nobody to feed them, devoured each other and the last survivor starved in misery. But that's what you get for being a predator.

"We're going home, my four!" Dylan told the kids, beaming.

That night Dylan phoned Brian, his so-called mother.

"Mum, guess what I did today?"

"I couldn't give a bugger, Dilly.

"Well you know what? I stole the moon. I saved four children from Vector Hanssen and the moon's carrying his rather minced body into space as we speak."

Instead of saying 'blah', Brian said, impressed:

"Dilly, I am proud of you."

"Good, because guess what, I hate your scabby guts and I don't feel afraid you any more. I have four lovely children and I don't need you. AND I know you're really a man called Brian, so you're not even honest about yourself."

Hysterical sobbing was heard on the other end of the phone. Dylan hung up feeling ten feet tall.

Later that night, the four kids sang 'Do you hear the people sing?' loudly and proudly as the Minions stomped behind them. Then it was the Minions' turn as they bawled out a squeaky song called 'Minions of the House", Just as the kids, Dylan and Dervla ran on stage to bawl or bark "Super Trooper."

And the kids' hearts swelled with joy as Dylan hugged them and said over and over again:

"I'm never letting you go, my Four. Ever."

THE END


End file.
